The Space Between | Where Honesty Lives

I heard somewhere that when life seems to be falling apart, it might actually be falling into place.

Well that night didn’t feel like life was falling into anything but out of control.

It was the crash you know is going to happen.  The train wreck that you can’t look away from.  That’s what that night felt like. I can’t even pinpoint what it was. What tipped the scales? When did it go from a fun concert to me on a sidewalk? I couldn’t walk to my car. Hell I couldn’t have found my car. I was the girl that night. The one, on any other night, I would have walked by and hoped that someone was looking after because she was a drunken mess. The one with no control. The one who couldn’t focus on a single face. Yeah that girl. That was me. That night cost me more than the cash that went over the bar.

That night is nearly a month old now.

Was life falling together? I don’t know. But maybe it was falling apart just enough for me to see a truth.

I couldn’t see it until I slouched on a sidewalk, caught in a web spun from the confusion of what to do when what makes me happy isn’t what makes someone else happy. Spoiler alert: another drink isn’t the answer. But you probably already guessed that.

You see, I’m a people pleaser. Maybe those who have known me for a few calendar rotations would nod their heads and smile and say “well of course you are”. But that term hit me hard in the face. Admitting it feels like I should be sitting in a group of other people pleasers as we go around the circle telling our stories.

I’ve seldom, if ever, been the bad guy. It seems I’ve always been on a path to help other people. To forsake what is best and healthiest for me to make someone else happy. And somewhere along the twists and turns of that trail I forgot to make myself happy too.

I finally saw it. I wasn’t happy. And I wasn’t healthy.

So welcome to the next chapter.

I’m still me.  I’m probably even more of me then I’ve ever been. And I’m learning that sometimes being me means saying no. It means letting go of the what ifs and could have beens and did I try hard enoughs. It means working harder on myself than anything else. It means looking for approval in the mirror first. It means being at peace. And it means having hope.

I love people. I always have and always will. I adore their stories. I want to cheer them over their obstacles. I want to eat dessert with them on their birthday. I want to know their favorite color and how they take their coffee.

So forgive me, if now for a little while, I need to run alone.

I’ll come back to you darling, I promise you. And we’ll make it…